Moral Of The Story: Don’t Stick Your Dick In Crazy

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When my boyfriend (at the time) & I originally got together he was having an issue with a girl I am going to refer to as, ‘Jane’. Jane was a special breed of human. It might have been part of her Western Indian upbringing, or maybe she truly is psychotic, but Jane never seemed to get the hint that my boyfriend just wasn’t interested.

Rewind a good 6 months before we met & started hanging out & he was playing a show at the Troubadour when him & Jane met. Now, what does everyone do when they meet someone new? Make out during a movie of course.

But Jane came off too strong in too short of time which caused the ultimate downfall of what could have been a relationship. Even after he said they couldn’t even be friends because of the tenacity at which she approached an innocent fling, she continued to profess her love for him until she pulled the ultimate move no one ever wants to happen. Jane showed up at his apartment drunk one night calling from downstairs begging to be let in.

Fast forward to the present & Jane has kept out of the picture for quite sometime. Until 2 weeks ago when she started drunk texting him again. Now, before you think this story is going to take the typical twist with the jealous girlfriend, just hear me out. The rate at which this story turns from your normal Hollywood drama to your suspenseful psychotic thriller is astonishing. The drunk texting was a one-sided thing until he decided to call her a drunken asshole, which resulted in the most glorious, & psychotic voice mail I have ever heard to date:

Listening to this voice mail you would assume it was an ex who was still bitter over a long, beautiful relationship. This was barely a fling that didn’t even result in sex. And you thought you heard it all, or enough of it to assume that, ‘This bitch is crazy,’ but then the voice mail takes a sudden twist with the religious variable….. Wait, WHAT?

Yes, apparently God is going to judge you for making out with a chick a couple times. You have been warned men.

While I said the moral of the story is don’t stick your dick in crazy, & there was no sex, this theory of mine still applies. If you have even the slightest hunch, intuition or feeling that a woman is crazy, RUN! Don’t even give her a second thought, or even a chance to prove to you that she is capable of things she talks about. Take my advice & just GTFO (Get The Fuck Out!).

Now I have had a couple of stalkers in my life, most of which were friends who took my kindness the wrong way. The one who stood out to me the most was a kid I went to high school with in Provo, Utah. When I moved back home I went to the local community college & just so happened to run into him at the orientation. So I gave him my cell number with the intention of having nothing more than a friend at school. At first everything was going great. We would hang out at lunch in between our classes & eventually started making our own friends to hang out with during that break. Then things started to get weird.

I would receive texts at all hours of the day & if I didn’t reply during a certain period of time after he sent it he would text me again & again & again till I would reply. All of those were assuming I was mad at him for whatever reason or even going as far as accusing me of things I couldn’t even be doing. One of those was assuming I was hooking up with someone but of course I was at work.

Now normally this type of behaviour comes from individuals who are actually dating, but I had never even given him any inclination that could be assumed I was interested & further more I had never accepted anything from him as a gift. I had actually rejected all his advances which should have proven I was not interested.

Then the creepy factor kicked in. I was home sick from school & work one day & he kept begging to hang out. Finally I replied back with what I consider a rude & fuck you response, ‘I’m home & I’m fucking sick, leave me alone.’ To anyone with common sense, that would get the point across, right? Apparently, I was wrong. About an hour later he showed up at my house with soup & was begging to come in. Thank God my mom answered the door & gave the all mighty, ‘no.’ Within the hour I had my number changed & haven’t heard from him since.

Now I could get into the psychology of crazy but each case is so different that I would be here all day explaining that Jane had daddy or abandonment issues, Joe was socially awkward & maybe even Nick & Nina suffered from undiagnosed mood disorders. Regardless of the case that moves them to act & react in certain ways, it is up to us as the receiving end to set a clear boundary & take the necessary steps to keep us in good health. Even if their intentions are good from the start this is not the way to go about it. But if you are going to take your crazy to a new level & use it to constantly harass an individual, at least make it something that is worthy of the internet..

Now that that’s out of the way, anyone care to remix this voice mail?

Boston based writer with a passion for all things nerdy. Founder & Editor in Chief of and